Sconyers.com

Buzzed on Google Buzz

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Let’s consider the brief history of the message:

1) We have mail, you know, “snail mail,” which has to physically go to a location and takes “time.”

2) Then we have email, which goes electronically to a location without requiring “time,” only requiring the time between which it arrives and which it gets read.

Then there’s the path of development to Google Buzz.

3) At some point thereafter, we get one-to-one texting (and even, accidentally one-to-more texting, kind of like three-way calling gone way wrong). It is slow and laborious to catch on. I mean, who wants to type out messages on those tiny little keys? (Read: ADULTS.) Yeah, us crazy kids. Well, WE showed them.

4) Along the same time comes chat rooms and instant messaging, where there is no delay, everything is instantaneous and synchronous. Wheeeeee! (Like, OMG, IRL! Hey! Hi! What’s up? Nothing, you? Nothing much. Hmm, A/S/L? 18/F/California. Oooh, wanna cyber? (…Except with a lot more abbreviation and a less capitalization and punctuation. u no?)

5) Facebook, The All Mighty. Where we can all passively expel information about our lives to our “friends,” or shall I say, our “audience,” whoever they might be. These people, on the other end, can passively or aggressively or ignoringly consume your information. Facebook is like a me-to-you relationship, where “you” means everybody you know, have even known, kinda sorta know, or think you maybe might know, but you’re really not sure and you don’t care to verify, because, let’s face it, you like it when your friend count goes up. (Me? I have a pithy 1,927 friends and counting.)

Add me if you’re interesting, intellectual, and/or attractive, and we can eventually slash soon become best internet buddies!!~~@!

5) Yeah, yeah, so somewhere along these lines, we get Twitter, which is sort of like, I’m going to instant message “you,” whereby “you” means, like, the collective you, like the interwebs, like you and everybody I know and everybody you know and everybody else we don’t know. Cool. Look at me. Twitterdeeeeeeeeeee. I’m @melissa. Booya. I’ve got 1,734 followers, and I’ve had 2,448 short, witty bursts of intellectual banter. Much like this one:

Follow me. Then continue reading:

6) Then there is the cultural subtext of the Twitter Direct Message, which is like “you’re more special than the interwebs, so i message you privately, but instead of choosing a relatively more semi-synchronous communication (instant message, facebook message, text message, or *SHOCKHORROR* a phone call), I’ll send the shorter equivalent of an email. (Refer to Point #2)

7) And finally, on the 7th day, GODoogle created Buzz. A way for you, your friends, your family, and EVERYBODY YOU HAVE EVER EMAILED WITH (Like, hey yoooo, sup, you former-potential-craigslist-roomie-who-turned-out-to-be-a-WEIRD-TOTAL-CREEP-and-SMELLY), to have a theoretically no-reply function which is in all actuality a reply-all function, stuffed unceremoniously and randomly into your beloved, ferociously guarded inbox. (Cue theme song: “This is the song that neverrrr endssssss, it goes on and on MY FRIIIIIIIIIENDS…..“

8) There is no number eight. I’m not buzzed about Google Buzz. In fact, I’m not even buzzed. I’m drinking a glass of soy milk on the rocks.

Where’s my telepathy at? I THOUGHT THE FUTURE WAS COMING.

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